Climbing Moss

Ash had wanted to go to Japan since he was a kid and so wasn’t going to miss the opportunity. With the knee issues it had looked like it wasn’t going to happen, but thankfully it did and here is what we found. Disclaimer – this is our views

Warning this is a long post, so make a cup of tea (maybe Green Tea) and sit back to read the great adventure of Osaka…

We left Seoul early evening on Asiana Air for a 2 hour flight. The leg room, the service from the cabin crew and in flight entertainment was non existent. The fact over the 2 hours we were served food – that even though was marked as Vegan – we were presented with chicken and fish and told that was the Vegan option if I didn’t like it then it was my fault. We had asked at the Japanese embassy and check in and on the plane if we needed to fill out any customs and travel visa forms – we were told resolutely no we didn’t. Upon landing we had to go through a vigorous security check then follow the signs that sent foreigners into a completely separate section. Then ordered to fill out a number of forms, told to be quiet and do as we were told. This was in no way welcoming or a nice experience.

We had to fill this customs form (which we were told we didn’t need to) all asking exact address of where we were staying, who we were staying with, why we were there, how long we would be there, what the purpose was, where had we visited, where we were going to visit, what we intended to buy, what we had bought – All on a tiny piece of paper. Then we had to go through another security check, where we were ordered to place our fingers in a scanner and asked all the questions again.
Then we had to go through more customs, then bag check, which we then had to go through security again with our bags, ordered to take out shoes, knee braces and random stuff that they took a quick glance at then threw to the side and told to hurry up and get out.

Once we re-packed our bags and got out of that horrible experience we had to go and find the pocket Wifi company. We tried to get coffee as we hadn’t been able to drink or eat on the plane – but it was just after 9pm so all coffee shops were shut (they shut at 5pm there) we spent over 30 minutes trying to find the Wifi company – once found they were really helpful – they aided the set up and everything even staying after the company should have shut.

Then came the transport – we spent another 30 mins trying to find a way out of the airport so by now it was 10.30pm – no restaurants, nothing was open at all. We found somewhere to buy train tickets, but not the ICOCA card because the machines were shut – the Suica card cannot be bought in Osaka but you can use it there so we had to try and find the ICOCA – instead we had to spend a vast amount of money on a ticket to get into town.

The train was ok not great, although comfortable they are rather old fashioned in design – the Luggage area is very small and very difficult to manoeuvre but we did it. We made the connection to the normal train and came out in Dobutsuen-Mae in a really dank, dirty and dark station – with drunks and homeless laying on the floor.

We asked a security officer where to go – he was really nice and really helpful – but he did warn us that this was the nastiest part of Osaka and really dangerous for tourists. So keep valuables safe and don’t go out after midnight. He directed us some of the way but then google maps had to take over with the last part.

This was a ‘wonderful experience’ we went down a side road underneath a motorway – with no lights, then through a dimly lit covered market, full of drunks, addicts and homeless people and ‘chavs’ cycling up and down trying to pinch anything they could get their hands on. Then the maps sent us along a road and through an alleyway which we had to shimmy through – where we met the local wildlife – Rats – the biggest rats we have ever seen in our lives – we are not exaggerating when we say they were about 20 inches long and spiders the size of a mans spread out hand. We came out the other side into a residential road – next to a huge what looks like a London council block (not even a nice one) that was the ‘RTi Tennoji’ the swanky 4 star hotel apparently. There was no check in – just an iPad that you had to type the booking reference into for the doors to open. We got in the elevator – to the 8th floor where we observed the sign telling us do not under any circumstances turn left upon exiting the car park which was quite concerning – see below for why.

Once reaching the floor we couldn’t get into the room – it turns out the key was somewhere downstairs in a different part of reception on a different iPad in a security box. Eventually we got into the room and yeah……..this was a shit-hole and not as advertised.

This was a single room with two single beds for very short people, one overhead industrial light – which was either fully on or off no in-between, no balcony, no real windows. There was no washing machine as advertised, no cooker, the kitchen was a camping stove gas burner which was unstable and there was no vent, there was one spoon, one fork, no knife and one pair of scissors, 1 plate and 1 glass, 2 tiny cups. 1 Kettle which had to be boiled twice to make a cup. A mini fridge that could hold 1 bottle of milk and 2 beers that was it. The bathroom was a standard Japanese bathroom, a very short but deep bath, with small basin, a showerhead that ran from the sink – no windows but a heated vent directly above your head that would randomly switch on and off either baking you or leaving you alone. The toilet was a standard Japanese toilet with all those buttons and played tunes while you peed, however it also sprayed perfume (which Bob was very allergic to and ended up in pain almost immediately) and the door was directly in front of you so you couldn’t sit down without your knees pushing the door open. .

We went to try and find some food – daring to go out as quick as possible, braving the rats and whatever else was lurking in the shadows – we went to the family mart on the main road. Where we found there was absolutely nothing vegetarian – however Ash got Onigiri and a sandwich – we also got cookies and beers. Bob had thankfully had saved some of the Ramyeon packs from Korea so there was something for her to eat. We went back to the room and ate – this was hopefully just a bad start.

The next morning we started the day with cookies – bad, bad idea for Bob – it turns out Bob is very much allergic to any kind of dairy in Japan – gone was the ability to drink or eat like back in Korea. This resulted in stomach pain and the usual food poisoning fun – add this to the stupid perfume that kept spraying her in every single bathroom – which had triggered an allergic rash. That upon being ill also sprayed her in the face which resulted in wheezing and barely being able to breath – so this was great fun. This was the beginning of the end for Bob all joy for the holiday had stayed in Seoul.

Day 1 in Osaka

Nevertheless the day went on – Ash led the way as he had the guide! The guide being Cakes with Faces Guide to Japan and though it is comprehensive for Tokyo it is only two pages for Osaka and one for Kyoto, which were our plan, we had thought of going to Nara and Hiroshima, but with only a few days based in Osaka it proved problematic, so instead…

We started the day off in the old town Shinsekai – the old shopping arcade where there are lots of shops, small restaurants and little bars. In the centre there is the iconic Tsutenkaku tower (Which was closed), we wandered the tiled streets looking at the dated shop fronts with their large Lobsters and other strange protrusions, looked at the restaurants trying to gauge if there were actual veggie options or just the usual – everything fried in Washi (Fish Oil) and came to the conclusion that no, there were no options – it turns out however there are veggie dishes, but without reading Hiragana you would never know.

So, instead we left Shinsekai and crossed the road into Tennoji Park, circumventing the Zoo which we decided to leave to the last day, but did meander around the pond, looking at the Herons, Tench and Carp and taking photos of the Traditional Japanese Red Bridge and Lily Pond, before heading out and into Isshin-ji the Zen Buddhist Temple and Cemetery.

This is a pretty and popular temple with a lot of locals taking time out of their day to light incense and pray, while tourists try to follow and copy and probably annoying the gods in their ineptitude! – We certainly feel we did this! After a bit of wandering and ‘praying’ we left and headed north towards the centre, but first taking to the back street (喫茶我路) – which translates to Coffee Shop Road, because there is a little Coffee Shop here and it being us, we popped in for a coffee, but more of that in the upcoming Food/Drink & Coffee Shop Post of Osaka, but we will say this was one of the more fun and immersive experiences of our time in the city!

We next set out for the centre, heading first to DenDen, which is basically one long road with a vast selection of stores dedicated to Anime Figures, Games and some, or a lot actually, are Porn Shops selling millions of DVDs and even still VHS Tapes of every variety and kink! We however stayed to the figures and statues stores, popping in and looking at the display cabinets of many, some are dedicated to Manga Books or Figures, while others offer cabinets to rent, where collectors can sell some or all of their figures and books piece by piece or in bulk, the cabinets are jammed packed with everything from Godzilla to One-Piece and Ash spent too long searching for Akame and Darling in the Franxx figures while Bob was hunting down Vincent Valentine and Anya and Banks figures from Spy Family and any kind of Genshin Impact model. There are other shops and restaurants along this long and busy road and we stopped off for food before heading – via our first bus ride to Dotonbori.

This is the centre of the city and if you have ever seen Osaka in photos or video it is this you will have probably seen, the streets on and over the river are filled with neon signs, some extremely famous, like the Running Man and the shop front of Don Quixote with it’s Fairground ride scaling the front high into the sky. But to actually see it, to walk the street and cross those bridges is comparable to trying to get to the back of the Trocadero in Piccadilly on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of the Summer Holiday’s, it is packed with slow moving, stupid tourists and buskers and street vendors and Restaurant Chuggers trying to get you into their steak house or fish bar. It is chaos times a thousand and generally not fun.

Just to walk from one bridge along the river the next you have to weave around tables of about fifteen fish and steak houses, while waiters and customers fight over the tables and all scream and shout orders and requests.

We made it to the famous Don Quixote, a Japanese Yen Store basically, over multiple floors and with the loudest, most confusing interior ever! every shelf, every product it seems has its own advert playing via speaker or screen, so as you walk through the make-up section to get to the clothing, or sweets section you can hear fifteen different pop songs, jingles and fast talking Japanese woman all yammering on about why you need this cream, that pair of socks or this KitKat. It’s like being in a busy pub on a Saturday Night trying to talk to a friend while fifteen different football fans sing their favourite Football Chant and expect you to know the words and the next line. It could be funny, for a while, but 20 minutes in there and you lose the ability to think and we escaped asap. For Bob 1 minute was enough to leave her crouched in the corner with her headphones blaring just to have some peace.

We did head for the pudding shop that Bob’s bias always goes to when in Osaka – sadly she couldn’t taste it what with the dairy and whatnot but instead appreciated all the Leebits in the shop.

We instead headed out of the centre and instead made our way via bus and train to Osaka Castle – This is one thing we did right and one of the best bits of Japan for us – Osaka Castle at night is a world away from Dotonbori and apparently Osaka Castle during the day!

During the daytime the road to the main gate can be swamped with literally thousands of people, great waves of bodies climb the slope passing through the gatehouse and past post-houses and the vast blocks of Granite that were built as the defences of the sixteenth Century landmark. But at 8pm we saw a total of maybe 10 people all the way up to and around the whole place and more importantly the magnificent structure is fully illuminated and glows like a magical fairytale castle over the darkened walkways and paths, Temple Gates and seating areas. We sat and chilled in the peace and quiet, took far too many photos of the great white edifice and the ornate gold finials and even the most famous Vending Machines in all of Japan! Then we hobbled back down the long slopes and winding paths in near pitch darkness to the tube and buses to get back to our rat infested, Red Light District, Yakuza patrolled hell hole of a prison cell!

We headed back and got food in a small pub/cafe that was supposed to be near the station but was 45 mins of shimmying down back alleys and then being served overpriced food because we were foreign – Before calling it a night in our pokey little cell.

Day 1 in Kyoto (day 2).

The next day we set out not so early – the desire to be out bright and early to see as much as we could had left us – But we did head to Shin-Osaka Station in order to catch the train to Kyoto. We got to the station in Osaka and started to seek the right platform to get to the next city. One and a half hours later – no exaggeration here! – We finally found Platform 8 and the train out of the city. The station is so incredibly confusing and this from life long London Commuters, people who can instinctively direct you from Cockfosters to Morden without even thinking about it and yet trying to judge get on the right train took over 90 minutes, so by the time we were heading north it was already past 1pm.

We got to Kyoto and first order of business for us was a pair of soft shoes for Bob, all the walking over the last few days had started to hurt her feet and the trainers she had been wearing for the whole of Korea had simply died the day before halfway up the hill to the castle! We wandered around the giant Department Store for over an hour, while shop staff did their very best to avoid us and avoid being helpful in any way. We left and hobbled on looking for markets and shoe shops that weren’t rude or trying to rip us off. What we did find instead was – Higashi Hongan-ji Temple a large, pretty space right in the centre of the city, circled by a moat populated with giant white Koi and a ton of litter!

Inside though the Goei-do Hall (Founder’s Hall) is a massive prayer room with very comfortable Tatami mats, where Bob sat and prayed for a pair of new feet! Before we set off again in search of food, in the backstreets of the city at 4pm on a Friday afternoon.

What we found was that Kyoto shuts at 4pm, all coffee shops, restaurants and anything useful close their doors for the day, the only place we found that was still open at 5pm (we walked well over 5km in search of an open restaurant and finally found Vegan Uzu the Michelin Star Vegan Ramen Restaurant and then discovered it is about a 3 month waiting list for a table and food is about – a bowl of Ramen is ¥7700 (£35) and the bowl is a saucer size – So we weren’t eating there. At this point we were tired, in pain and truly fed up and decided to call it quits and head back to Osaka to try to find food there and try Kyoto again the next day.

We found ourselves back in that damned Station in Osaka once more at about 8pm and we walked around it, up and down escalators (the same one twice) and across platforms, up and down levels and got very, very lost for another 40 minutes, eventually exiting into the Intercontinental Hotel Gardens (which looks like the Barbican) and eventually out of the station, over an hour after getting off the train and set out to find a Restaurant that claimed to have a good vegan menu. After a ridiculous trek following Google Maps around in literal loops and through filty, shitty back streets, car parks and across train lines, we found the place and well wait for the review coming soon, btu you guessed it, it was not good and we were still starving and extremely annoyed at the end of the day as we headed back to the Rat infested Prison Cell once more!

Kyoto Day Two! (Day 3)

Having failed to see anything of worth the first time we decided to try again on Saturday – If at first you don’t succeed… etc! So we headed back to Shin Osaka and navigated the station in only 20 minutes this time! The Saturday Trains are way busier than the weekday commute, but we suffered the packed train, standing all the way to Kyoto and got out in the city to head to where we had aimed the day before, with better shoes and a determined attitude.

First stop the grounds of The Imperial Palace – we say Grounds, because it seems the Palace itself is not open to the public, except for a brief window between 10am and 11.30am, because that makes sense, doesn’t it?

So we walked around the park, where there are plenty of trees and it is dead quiet, it’s quiet because there are NO ANIMALS, none! The Japanese it seems do not like wildlife, they like fish – there are lucky, all other creatures are an inconvenience and need to be eradicated. During the whole day, we say (and this is the entire list) 1 Magpie (That’s an omen!) 1 Crow, 2 sparrows, 1 moth, 2 Dragonflies, 1 pet dog! But apparently it’s also customary to eat any bird that seems to fly near – because we kept seeing fried sparrow (wtf) Bob loves animals and at this point was beyond disgusted, disheartened and thoroughly fed up!

We walked and looked at the wall of the palace and while trying to take a photo of the tiny moat around the wall, Ash stopped and a Tannoy whistled into life and a man shouted Gaijin Move away from the wall – if you don’t know Gaijin is foreign scum! Another man got a tannoy shout for standing still for more than 1 minute and there were loads of signs all around the park informing us of what not to do, which included but not limited to – No Sitting on Grass, No Standing, No Groups, No Picnics or Food, No Drinking (water or alcohol) No Musical Instruments, No Feeding the animals (What animals?) and this was a lax list, wait till we get to Tokyo in a few posts time!

So we gave up on the park and got a bus or two to the NorthEast, one point to note is that the famous Gion Section of Kyoto is closed to tourists, completely closed off, buses will not let people off and anyone found in the sector (anyone that’s not a local that is) will be arrested and put in prison. So we headed instead to Tetsugaku No Michi – The Philosopher’s Path, a small, shallow stream that runs across the city, it’s said to be a beautiful, tranquil and timelss path where the ancient Philosopher’s walked in contemplation – probably contemplating how to rip off tourists with cheap crap and overpriced junk, because the entire path is filled with just that, shops selling intentionally badly spelt t-shirts, Artisan Coffee, we even saw a Costa Coffee, Shops selling tiny bottles of Saki and paper fans all made in China! The potteries and and craft stores are all owned by people who don’t live in Kyoto but commute there from Osaka daily! And don’t forget EVERYTHING shuts at 4pm, the Temples, Palaces, Shops, Restaurants and even roads are all locked up and empty before early evening.

So we gave up on the stream and the commercial crap alongside it, got some McDonald’s Chips (the only thing we found to eat for Vegetarians and headed to Inari Temple. The Temple is open 24 hours a day – thank Buddha! but by the time we got to the bus terminal at the bottom of the mountain, it was pouring down with rain! We bought a see-through Umbrella and set off towards the famous Orange Gates. By now it was 6pm, the rain was cascading off the brolly and we walked with about 600 other people up to the Temple – this is again quiet, aparently in the morning there can be 60,000 people heading for the first row of Tojii gates by 7am.

The Temple is however quite pretty, lots of tiles roof buildings all painted with the Red Posts and gold detailing, there are shrines to lots of different animal gods, Foxes, Elephants, Horses,Tigers, Panthers and of course Fish! and there are a LOT of Stairs.

We saw a few brave souls that had thought it a good idea to rent Kimono or Yukata for the day and we soaked through and shaking with hypothermia and after the first few hundred gates in a row we left most of the crowds behind and started the proper climb up the mountain, through rows and rows and rows and rows of red gates, some up steep paths, some down shallow paths, some wove around and some pointed to paths warning of dangerous monkeys, but we kept going, up and up. We climbed and climbed, took photos and listened as the rain pummelled the umbrella or our heads and we got soaked.

But eventually we made it to the top of the mountain -technically – it turns out there is a different ‘Top’ up a different path, which may have been 10 metres higher, but by then we didn’t care, we were knackered it was about 8pm, everything else was shut and we still had to get down and get back to Osaka. We started back down, taking a moment to thank the god of Vending Machines – even though the cost was about 10 times more expensive than any other we found – and we found a lot of vending machines! – but we appreciated the Vending Machine Operator who climbed all the way up the mountain to restock the machines each week.

We descended the thousands of steps and went the wrong way – of course! somehow we got directed down a residential road on the side of the mountain and by the time we eventually got back to the main temple area at the bottom everyone else had buggered off home, leaving us to befriend a cat we called Meowstache! (Because he had a cool stash!) Finally a friend!

We eventually got back to Osaka around 10pm, having got lost on the bus, dealt with the trains and found every restaurant in the city to be closed. Ash’s phone got waterlogged and wouldn’t turn on and looked like we were gonig to have to buy a new one!

We ended up sitting at Tennoji Station drinking beer on the street because we were so tired and fed up (drinking in the streets is illegal everywhere else except here it seems! Then we walked back to the Rat Cave, skirting the Red Light District, because we were too tired to go the safe route!

Final Day in Osaka (Day 4)

Tired and fed up we set out on Sunday morning for our last day in Osaka. We had saved the Zoo for the last day as a kind of treat and after the shit days before we needed cute animals to make everything better – Unfortunatly we were in Japan, so what we got was a ton of depressed animals, sick animals and an aviary of pigeons, ducks, herons, sparrows, geese and all the wild fowl that should have been outside! Tennoji Zoo is DISGUSTING, It should be condemned, the cages are tiny, the pens are 50 years out of date, the animals all have mange, are blind, the birds have pulled out all their feathers and most look suicidal. Oh and it was Bob’s turn to get called abused over the Tannoy! Yes the speaker voice SHOUTED –

‘Will the Dirty Gaijin stop taking photos it’s scaring the animals!’

As if that were possible! The Red Pandas however were well cared for, they are clearly the prize of the zoo and have a massive enclosure (well massive for this place) and the Red Pandas were funny and cute.

But after less than an hour we had, had enough and needed to get out of there because we felt as depressed as the Honey Bear! And close to tears in the freezing rain.

We headed back to DenDen and to the Anime Stores to buy ourselves a few Anime Figures and we wandered around for literally hours trying to find the best figures and any trace of Genshin (which was Bob’s main reason to go to Japan – apparently there was lots of Genshin merch – spoiler there isn’t any!). There are so many to chose from but eventually we found a few samples – we could have bought a lot more and emptied the suitcase of clothes – this is the best part of Osaka! But at 5pm of course everything shut, all the shutters came down and everything turned into a ghost town and on cue, the rain went from drizzle to downpour, pounding, torrential rain.

Ash’s phone stopped working because it got waterlogged again! We followed a pair of Lolita Maids back towards our Rat Hole and found a little Vegan restaurant and we ordered food and promptly threw up! It was vial and it was Ash’s turn to be ill for the night! We ended our stay in Osaka in the Prison Cell watching TV Shows and taking steamy baths in the tiny bath – and packing to leave the next morning! Plus everything in the bathroom stunk of shrimp?

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Having read the guide and now having experienced the city in full, we think you really need a local to lead you around and help you out, because without them you get spat at, glared at and called names (Like Foreign Scum’!), you will struggle to find food – especially if you have any dietary needs and if you want to know where is safe and what to look out for. If you do intend on visiting Osaka we would possible recommend DON’T!! No seriously we did see an advert for guided routes With Locals for the day, they are expensive at about £90-140 per person, but it may be worth the extra cost to be able to experience the city to its best, we however won’t be back, unless it’s a one day visit to go to DenDen to stock up on Anime Figures and Manga books!

Osaka could be interesting if you are a meat eating, Japanese speaking, lover of loud and in your face and don’t already live in London!

Like the rest of the trip, all the days out will be posted on London Creative Out and About (Osaka will be up in a few weeks as there are a lot of days to post) but follow to link to see it all in action!

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We will be back with the food and drink next time -a short post to counter this long one!