Climbing Moss

Themed bars are all the rage and last weekend we -a long with a couple of friends – went to one, a 1940’s London Underground, post war Cocktail Bar called Cahoots, in Kingly Place, here is what we discovered…

We wanted to find somewhere different to meet up with friends, last weekend. We had seen Cahoots on TikTok, the underground bar is in Kingly Place (by Carnaby St), it’s filled with memorabilia of old Tube stations, signs, seats and even booths of old Tube Trains, the music is distinctly 1940’s with posters of the Nation’s Sweetheart Dame Vera Lynn and ‘We’ll Meet Again plays all through the bar all the time! It was Ash’s Dad’s Favourite and a song that gives him nightmare memories of parties as a child!!

But what of our experience? We had to book a table a week in advance – it’s that popular, the staff were adamant of attendance, making it clear that a no-show would result in a fine of about £50 taken from our Credit Card, so we were going no matter what happened! In the end it was just Ash, Bob and E&D our other friends hearing the word ‘cocktail’ bailed faster than a Nun at a Satanic Ritual!

We entered via the Kingly St entrance and were quickly guided through to the courtyard passageway space of Kingly Court between the upstairs bar and the downstairs Cocktail area and we thought that good service (more on that in a bit), we waited to be let in, while the door staff told a group of women looking for a night out, that there was no chance of getting them in without a booking. We however gave our name and were ushered in, the wait staff introduced himself, giving the concept and backstory of the bar.

It is 1946, the war is over and thing are getting back to normal, the nation is on a high and the underground is the way to travel. We were walked through to the back bar and shown to a table with clear notification to the other staff, that we were waiting for 2 more (they made a real point of the number, there was no room to add any more if we turned up with the original six! A few minutes later E&D appeared and we were promptly presented with a newspaper each and a secret note in an envelope – these turned out to be the Drinks Menu. All very on theme!

Our table was in the small subsection at the end of the underground bar – A bench seat made up of typically upholstered London Underground tufted fabric, the walls were adorned with signs for Grange Hill and Barking, Plaistow and Ladbroke Grove, Exit signs and Mind The Gap Posters were all around, there were little booths resemblant of the Metropolitan Line Trains and the staff buzzed about popping up at the table to take orders, the only real tell of the 21st century was the tap screen display till on the side of the room, but the staff darted around from table to table and all seemed good.

A server appeared at our table and took our order for drinks, which we had perused and scoured, there seemed to be a ton of drinks on offer, all aptly and timely named and all with pictures of the vestible they would appear in, so we were eager to see what we got, all looked good, the drinks looked a bit pricey but if they were good it added to the experience.

Most of the drinks seemed to be Gin and Vodka based, which wasn’t ideal, Rum, Tequila and Bourbon would be our choice of bases, but there were only a few of these to choose from. So we looked at the newspaper and picked our first drink of the night and gave the order to the pin badge covered server and waited and waited. The order must have taken 15 minutes to make and deliver, but we chatted and listened to the 2-piece live band who were taking requests and we had thought of challenging them with one of a few difficult numbers, like Smells like Teen Spirit, A bit of Slipknot or of course a Stray Kids Number or even a New Jeans track, but we decided against it when our drinks finally arrived.

One of the 4 signature drinks of the bar is the Winston Churchill A Bombay Sapphire Gin base drink in a Winston Churchill ‘Toby Jug’, which E got, but the drink is in a glass inside the jug, not the whole jug! Bob got a Seven Day Wonder – Tequila base, in an actual glass! shoved in a lump of wood. But the ice cube – one singular rectangular cube – fitted so exactly in the round glass there was barely any for liquid, so the £16 Mojito, was a sip at best, likewise D’s drink – Enemy of the state a Wasabi Tequila in a Flower Pot was similarly spacely challenged with the ice and Ash’s Farmer’s Snack Box Jack Daniel base may have looked fun arriving in a little wicker basket and being poured out of a can that resembled a tuna fish can, but the contents of the tin was about 50ml. All of these drinks were in the £15-17 each range.

Having sipped around the ice and fought off the urge to drink all the drink in one tiny sip, we contemplated moving to another bar or pub, but E&D convinced us to try one more drink first!

So we perused the newspaper once more and settled on another round. Ash spotted one drink that sounded interesting but with an allergy to Ginger he asked if it could be made without the ginger, to which we got an insight into the issue, the drink could not be altered because they were premixed. In the hubbub of the bar, the music and the hurry hurry to order we let it go, but after ordering we realised what that meant – the drinks are pre-mixed, they come from cans, the bar staff are not Mixologists, they are Can-Openers! Their art is not in combining the right ingredients, no! Their art is fitting the biggest piece of ice into the smallest glass they can.

We looked up these cans of premixed cocktails and they are readily available to buy online and in bulk for around £12 for 24 (50p each).

The second round of drinks arrived after a looooong wait and after us watching the staff flit about behind a tall bar, where they seemed to be busy but we realised they weren’t doing anything constructive, the range of glasses and cups they deliver your drinks in are a gimmick and all a tricks to hide the fact that what you are getting is so tiny a drink your drink wouldn’t fill a shot glass. Ash’s Second drink – having not been able to get anything else because it was all vodka or Gin based and he hates both, was the only choice left – Nut Buster’s Breakfast a rum based, it was tiny (say it like a very small mouse at the end of a long tunnel – tiny!) and also – DISGUSTING! Truly vile, one sip and he gagged! Both D and Bob got a Scoundrelhijta – aka a tiny Mojito – we can’t remember what E got but I am sure it was tiny but expensive!

But that wasn’t the worst of it. Oooooh no!

Having sat through 2 hours of bad pub singing by the 2-piece (we arrived promptly at 8 and it was now 10) and having ordered 1 drink and thought we give the benefit of the doubt and order the 2nd and that would be better, the waiter appeared and took the order and disappeared again. Then 2 minutes after that order was taken, the head staff member appeared to inform us that we had 20 minutes to drink up and get out, as our table which was booked to 11, was only available until 10.30. If they had told us that before the ordering our drinks we would have vacated the table and gone somewhere else, but no, they took our order, took 15 minutes to deliver and then delivered the tiny, tiny sips of gross diesel in a can – literally Ash’s vile brown diesel came in a Gerry Can! and then they stood over us waiting for us to Fuck Off! The reason they wanted to table so badly -that group of women that were told there was no way to get them in when we arrived, They were the group waiting for the table, they were literally standing at the door waiting for us to leave so they could get in our still warm seats. The staff were also very prompt with the card reader to take the payment for the bill and bloody hell, £136 for the privilege!

Well that was enough you’d think but no there was more. At the top of the stairs as we were leaving, crossing the upstairs bar, the bouncer – in typical, dumb bouncer mode – walked across the bar right into Ash’s face and demanded he take off his hat! We were leaving, putting on out coats and this arsehole, practically pulled his hat from his head and told him he wasn’t allowed to wear a hat in the bar. It was at this point our friend E snapped and shouted at the doorman at the effrontery of his rudeness, but the man didn’t care, he just pushed and shoved us out of the bar.

We tried to complain to Cahoots about the service, the drinks (lack of) and the rudeness but their response was;

‘Tough! Don’t come back then!’

Well obviously we won’t be!

The Trustpilot reviews of Cahoots all say the same sort of thing, maybe we should have looked at the reviews before. But E’s excitement at getting to drink in a Tube Carriage got the better of him and with that in mind our recommendation is to buy a pack of the Premixed cocktail drinks that Cahoot’s obviously buy and get on the Central Line and go to from Oxford Street to – well anywhere really and have a much better night and a more authentic night at that!